Play Cards, Liquor Bars, and Other Ways to Bond
by Moe99
Summary: A story where Xanxus is forced to spend time with a little Fran so he takes him to play some cards and drink at the bar. A story all about family, friendship, and bonding. Was previously named 'Scumb of the Earth Cards'. Slight OOC, cussing. Now a story.
1. Scumb of the Earth Cards

Me: This is a fanfiction that I thought up off when playing 'Thirteen' with my uncle. He kept calling the crap cards 'scumb of the earth' cards and I thought 'Xanxus'. So here's a story about Xanxus having to bond with a young Fran. I don't own anything.

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><p>Normal P.O.V<p>

"**YOU FUCKIN' TRASH!**" The loud yell echoed throughout _every corner _of Varia HQ. It was proceeded by death threaths and threaths about shoving odd objects into peoples asses. Squalo stood his ground, with Lussuria and Nono behind him, glaring right back at Xanxus who was having his equavilent of equivalent of a hissy fit. "**WHERE THE **_**HELL **_**DID YOU PUT MY BOOZE!**" Yes, the three other men were brave enough to steal Xanxus' booze _and _hide it. "VOI! Quit fuckin' _whinin'_! You only have to do _**ONE FUCKIN' THING!**_" Squalo snapped back, waving his sword back and forth with a swish. "**WHY THE **_**HELL **_**DO I HAVE TO SPEND TIME WITH THE FROG TRASH! IT AIN'T LIKE YOU SACKS OF TRASH DON'T SPEND ENOUGH WITH HIM!**"

That last sentence was sort of on the spot. The Varia, except for Xanxus, had spent time with Fran in multiple different ways. Lussuria allowed him to help him cook many times which Fran enjoyed because whenever he did he was allowed to put whatever he wanted into the food that Bel was going to eat when Lussuria wasn't looking. Squalo took him out to the city sometimes where they did horrible, _horrible _things in superstores that left it in shambles for at least six months. Bel taught him pranks over the weekend that the pulled on grunts, Levi, and sometimes the Vongola brats that visited occasionally. Mammon taught him how to extort money from people, his lessons got Fran enough money in his bank account to put three kids into Harvard with out paying a cent. Levi, being huge as fuck, allowed him to climb on his shoulders and pounce on unsuspecting people. Though all were forced, except Lussuria who enjoyed the time they spent together, by Nono to spend time with him and 'stimulate trust' or some other crap they actually enjoyed it. The boy was annoying and snarky at times but that's what made him so endearing.

The only one who hasn't spent time with the boy was Xanxus and Nono wouldn't have that. "Although the others have spent time with Fran, you still have to put a little effort to stimulate trust between you and your new subordinate." Nono said before going on and on about trust and bonding and employee brotherhood and blah, blah, blah. Xanxus was just about to cut in when Nono finished up. "Just spend time with little Fran at least an hour a month. You could do anything as long as you leave the house with him and come _back _with him..._alive _and with _no _severe damage." Xanxus glared at Nono, calculating the pros and cons. On one side, he could go anywhere as long as he lugged the brat along. He would get his booze back and he would be able to drink while 'bonding' with Fran. Plus, he only had to do it once a month. It would be like his snarky, green-haired period that never shut up. On the other hand, Fran was annoying. Plus if he agreed he'd have a man period.

Xanxus finally growled. "**FINE! **I'll take the frog trash somewhere." he said, passing Lussuria and Nono and storming out the door. The other men ran out the door, fearing that the little illusionist would be used as target practice. The stopped when they saw Fran being thrown over Xanxus' shoulder like a sack of potatoes, playing cards falling on the table he and Bel were playing on. "Where are we going?" Fran asked in a monotone voice. "Out." Xanxus grunted, walking out the room and yelling for the chauffeur to get his ass in gear. When the limo door was open he threw Fran in, who bounced twice before stopping. Xanxus then climbed in himself, barking directions to the driver who sped off immediately.

"Ushishi~! What the _hell _just happened?" Bel asked, looking at Squalo. "We told the boss that he has to spend time with Fran-chan and I guess he's going to go and do that." Lussuria answered, looking after them as the car went down the road.

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><p>The limo stopped after an hour of driving and Xanxus kicked the door open, pulling Fran out with him. "You'll be here in three hours." Xanxus told the driver before dragging Fran into the building. It was a hotel, high class with five stars, the kind of hotel only the rich could afford to look at. Xanxus ignored the counter lady and dragged Fran into the elevator and hit the button that led to the top floor. When it hit the top floor, Xanxus dragged Fran into a room with the number '666' in gold plating. Xanxus kicked the door open and dragged Fran in. Finally, they had stopped moving for a moment that allowed Fran to see and observe where they were.<p>

They were in a nice looking, but dark room. There were dark red curtains that didn't let a lot of sunlight come in and white marble tile that clicked when someone walked on it. The lights were turned down so that you could see everything but the face of the other people in the room. And speaking of them, there was a group of nicely, or expensively, dressed men sitting at a table. There was one last chair at the head of the table that was one that children in their teens would say was a 'boss' chair (**1**). Fran was dragged once again toward the boss chair where Xanxus sat down on before dropping Fran onto his lap harshly.

"Who's the brat?" one of the men asked. "Frog Trash." Xanxus grunted. "Does he play?" another asked. Although Fran couldn't see him clearly, Fran knew he was amused and smiling. "He was playing when I dragged him here." Xanxus replied, looking noticably irritated about how the men wouldn't shut up. It was then that Fran knew that they were talking about cards. "I'm not that good." he said quietly, voice still monotone. Another one of the men laughed. "That's fine! That means we'll win more money from you." he said, chuckling. "What games do you know?" the first man asked. "Bel-senpai was teaching me 'Thirteen' before we left." Fran answered. "Then we'll play that." the second man said as the card dealer passed out the cards.

"We all place the highest bet first. The first winner gets the jackpot. Then the remaining players bet a second, lower bet. The second winner gets this. The third round is the lowest bet. Third winner gets this and loser gets squat." the third man says sorting out his cards. Fran felt cards being shoved into his hands and being spread out. Xanxus made quick work on putting the cards in order. He let Fran do the playing and he lost, three times. It wasn't Fran's fault though, he was only nine and these were underground pros. But Xanxus didn't care. Anything but perfection was unexceptable. So he decided to school him.

"Look, Frog Trash. When you start out you have to get rid of your scumb of the earth cards." he said, spreading out the cards Fran used. "You don't save them because they're weak and useless. Get rid of them and use the stronger cards later. Scumb cards are only useful in straights or two killers." Fran watched Xanxus move his hands skillfully, moving and swapping cards easily. "He's not going to get it. He's only a kid." the first man said. But he was wrong. Fran looked at only Xanxus' hands and the cards that went through them. He only listened to Xanxus' voice, telling about scumb cards and strong cards. Then, after Xanxus' little lesson, they were playing again.

The high hand at the moment was a straight: Jack of Spades, Queen of Diamonds, King of Spades, and Ace of Hearts. It was Fran's turn, he was the last one to play being the fourth player, and he hadn't allowed Xanxus see his cards since the beginning of the game. "Go, little frog." urged the third man, the holder of the high hand. Xanxus burned holes in Fran's hat. Sure the 'high' bet was extremely low, 2 million was crump change, but he wouldn't forgive Fran if he lost the last game for him. Fran looked at the men and said,"It's my turn, right? No one else is going 'til I finish, right?" The men nodded to Fran started putting down his cards.

First card, 2 of Spades, fourth highest card. "You can't make a straight with a two, kid." one of the men said before Fran looked at him. "Let me finish." Fran said before setting down his second card, 2 of Clubs. "Kid, you can't put a pair either." another one of the men said. "I'm not done yet." Fran replied, setting down the third card, 2 of Diamonds. Fran looked at the men and waved the last card at them. "Aw shit. Don't tell me..." the last man said, making Fran nod. He threw the card, making it spin, revealing the 2 of Hearts. "Automatic win." Fran said in a monotone voice. "B-But why didn't you play it in the beginning?" one of the men asked. "Well, it wasn't my turn. Cutting you off would be rude." Fran said.

"When the hell do you care about being rude, trash." Xanxus more stated then asked. "I _don't _know." Fran answered before looking at the men. "I trust you have our money." Fran started, making them pull out check books. "And I trust it's in cash." The men stopped and growled, going to the ATM in the back to make a transaction. Fran snapped at the waitress passing them. He ordered her in a certain way that caught Xanxus' attention. Xanxus looked at Fran before laughing when the waitress rushing off. "No fuckin' way, I can't believe this!" Xanxus howled. "Wait 'til Loud Trash gets a loud of this!"

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><p>When Fran and Xanxus got back, Xanxus dragged him to the livingroom where the rest of Varia and Nono were. "Frog Trash can be taught." he said, holding Fran up lion king style. The rest of Varia stared at Fran and Fran stared back. "What the <em>hell <em>are you looking at, useless lard filled sacks of trash. Why don't you go and find a nice dark corner to go fuck eachother after bringing me some damn cookies and milk." Fran said, voice still monotone. The rest of Varia's mouths _dropped _while Nono choked on air. "**VOOOOOOOIIIIIIII! What the hell? You broke him or something!**" Squalo roared. "It was just three hours. How did he learn such language from you in only three hours?" Nono cried, looking shocked.

Xanxus' shrugged and tucked Fran under his arm like a book. "The fuck should I know about him and his learning abilities. All I know is that one of you need to bring him some cookies and milk and me my fucking booze." Xanxus said, walking out the room. "I've been sober for _five _fuckin' hours."

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><p>Me: Well that was a total fail. Oh well, it's fine since this is a one-shot, unless someone asks to continue which will make it a two-shot.<p>

**Numbers Meant:**

**1. **That's a joke from my history class. There was a chair that was different then the others that were regular. It was black and rolled and made the kid sitting in it feel pretty damn boss.


	2. Alcohol: Better than Rosetta Stone

Me: Okay so a reviewer, Breebree811, told me she would like it if I continued to now this is a two-shot that might become a three-shot. In this chapter Xanxus takes Fran to a bar while Fuuta and Dino tag along for the ride. I don't own anything.

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><p>Alcohol: Way better then Rosetta Stone when it comes to English.<p>

Normal P.O.V

Everyone gasped when they saw Fran leaning against Fuuta half-conscious with blood running down his chin and seeping through his shirt. "Oh my god. What happened to Fran-chan?" Lussuria squealed, looking worried. Everyone turned their heads to Xanxus and Dino. The two were supposed to be watching the children while Xanxus had is 'man period' which translated to him having to spend time with Fran. "Well..." Dino started. "It's a bit of a long story, we'll have to start at the beginning for the readers back home." Squalo's eye twitched. "**VOI! **Don't be breaking the fuckin' fourth wall! Start tellin' us what the hell happened!" Dino put his hands up defensively. "Okay, okay! Calm down!"

*Flashback*

After a couple of months of Xanxus successfully having his period it was time for his seventh one. He walked down the hall into the livingroom where the rest of Varia and Tsuna and his group of friends were. "Frog Trash we're leaving." Xanxus told Fran before throwing him over his shoulder and starting to walk out the room. "Wait, Xanxus-sama, I'm hussli-_playing _with Fuuta now." Fran said. Xanxus looked back to see Fuuta on the floor with a deck of cards in his hands. "This is the only day this month I have available for you, Trash." Xanxus snapped."Th-Then may I come too?" Fuuta asked, causing Tsuna to start to worry. "I-I don't think thats such a good idea, Fuuta." Tsuna said. He was about to add something but was stopped when a gentle hand was placed on his shoulder. He looked up to see his 'older brother', Dino, smiling at him.

"Now, now, Tsuna. Why don't you let _me _watch Fuuta while he goes with them?" Dino offered. Tsuna relaxed a bit, but not by much. Romario was far away from them in Japan enjoying a hot spring vacation with the rest of the Cavallone men. That meant Dino would be the clumsy man no one could actually depend on with things like children. "W-Will you be careful?" Tsuna asked. "N-No sharp or pointy objects or edges? No g-glass or other breakable objects?" Dino laughed and patted Tsuna's head. "Don't worry, little brother. I won't let Fuuta get near those things!" Dino reassured. "O-Oh, w-well that's good, but I meant that for you." Tsuna said sheepishly. Squalo busted out laughing. "That's fuckin' _hilarious_! He thinks you're _retarted _or something!" Dino's eyebrows furrowed. "He doesn't think that!" Dino argued before turning to Tsuna. "Right, Tsuna?" Tsuna looked at him for a second before backing away. "Well, good-bye, come back home soon!" Tsuna shouted before running upstairs.

Dino was about to shout after him but Fuuta was already tugging on his sleeve. "Can we please go now?" Fuuta asked. Dino smiled and nodded. He grabbed Fuuta's hand and they ran after Xanxus who was already almost out the door.

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><p>Dino's eye twitched. "Xanxus?" he asked, getting a grunt in reply. "I don't think this is a place for kids." Dino said. "What the hell do you mean by that, Horse Trash?" Xanxus snapped, glaring at Dino. "Well, I don't think a bar at the club is the right place for kids." Dino said looking around. He could see horny people rubbing against eachother while the did slutty moves strung together that they called 'dancing'. At least 65% of the people on there were tipsy, spilling their drinks on themselves, eachother, and the floor. The two men were sitting on bar stools with the kids in between them playing cards.<p>

"That's a bunch of bullcrap. This is real life experience they're gaining from seeing people getting drunk and fuckin' around." Xanxus said before chugging down his drink. Fran looked up at him. "I'm thirsty." he stated. "And why the fuck should I give a damn?" Xanxus demanded. "You should 'give a damn' because if I come back home withered away from dehydration Long Haired Commander and Grandpa Nono will take away your booze." Fran said, making Xanxus growl. "Fine, I'll buy you a fuckin' drink." Fuuta asked Dino for a drink as well.

When the boys drinks came Fuuta had water and Fran had...something brown. "What the hell is this?" Fran asked, looking at Xanxus. "It's water, Frog Trash." Xanxus answered. "But it's brown." Fran argued. "Yeah and it's wet and liquid, two things water is. Just drink the damn thing, I already payed for this shit." Xanxus ordered. Fran sniffed the drink and recoiled, nose wrinkling. "It smells gross." Fran said. Xanxus glared at him once again. "**What the hell did I just tell you!**" he shouted. Fran frowned and gulped some down before gagging slightly. "It tastes like liquid vomit." Fran said, a disgusted expression on his face. "Vomit is already liquid." Dino argued. "No! Sometimes it has chunks." Fran said. "That's really nasty." Fuuta said. "And so is this drink." Fran replied.

The three continued to argue about vomit while Xanxus got irritated. Finally, he had enough and grabbed the mystery liquid before pinching Fran's nose, making the little boy gasp for breath. While Fran's mouth was open he poured the 'liquid vomit' down his throat. When the glass was empty Xanxus tossed the glass behind his back, hitting somebody that had just walked into the club. "There, now you don't have to drink it anymore." Xanxus said. "_Fuck you. That shit was naaaaasty!_" Fran said, making Fuuta look at him in suprise. You can't blame Fuuta. Fran _was _speaking English fluently when at any other time he wouldn't be able to understand himself. "Are you speaking English?" Fuuta asked. "_Yep._" Fran replied, taking the water out of Fuuta's hands and taking a sip.

"Did you just _take _my drink?" Fuuta asked. "_Yep._" Fran answered. Fuuta was about to ask even more questions like when the hell Fran learned English when some dude walked up to him. "Who's the asshole that bought this glass?" the guy asked, holding up the shattered pieces of the glass Xanxus threw. "_I drank the shit that was in it._" Fran answered. The guy looked at him before throwing the glass on the floor. "I don't know what the hell you just said but it pisses me off." he said, pulling Fran off the stool by his shirt. "H-Hey hey! What do you think you're doing?" Dino shouted, standing up but slipping on the glass and banging his head on the counter, knocking him out. Fuuta made a note of telling Tsuna that Dino got near glass _and _point edges when they got home.

"I'm gonna teach you a lesson for speaking foreign ass languages." the guy said throwing Fran into the middle of the dancefloor. "_How? Are we gonna have a dance off or some shit?_" Fran asked, looking around. The guy growled and whipped out a knife, making some people gasp. "Stop saying things I don't understand!" he screamed before lunging at Fran. Fran moved so it didn't hit him in the gut like the guy wanted but sliced his side. Fran coughed a bit of blood before hissing and swiping at the guys feet, knocking him to the ground. He then ran up and stomped (jumped) onto the guys nuts. The guy groaned and grabbed his now crushed package and Fran walked back to Xanxus and the others. Dino was slung over Xanxus' shoulder and Fuuta looked fearful.

"Is your cut okay?" Fuuta asked, lifting his shirt up slightly to look at it. "_It stings like a bitch but I'm fine. Dumb motherfucker thinking he can put one on me._" Fran replied. Fuuta pulled down Fran's shirt and looked at Fran. "Excuse my language. But you're a tough little bastard." Fuuta said. "_Damn straight._"

*End of Flashback*

"So, that's what happened." Dino said, frowning that Fuuta mentioned the part about the glass and the counter. "I told you no sharp objects!" Tsuna cried before asking Ryohei to heal Fran. It didn't take long, seeing as the cut wasn't so bad. "_That bitch was __**dumb **__though. I take knives all the time_." Fran mumbled, half drunkenly half sleepily. "There, it's all done to the extreme! You should go to sleep to the extreme!" Ryohei said, quiter then usual. Tsuna taught him how to be quiet when someone was sick and needed to rest. Fran started mumbling arguments as Fuuta grabbed his arm and pulled it around his shoulder, lifing him up. "Come on, Fran. Let's go to sleep." Fuuta muttered, dragging Fran upstairs and to his room. When they got in, Fuuta placed Fran under the covers and plopped down beside him.

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><p>The next morning Fran woke up with a headache. Fuuta, who was already up, smiled. "<em>Good morning.<em>" he greeted in English. "What the _hell _did you just say?" Fran demanded, rubbing his apple. "You're not speaking English?" Fuuta asked. "I've _never _spoken English." Fran said, before wincing. "My head hurts." he complained. Fuuta thought for a moment. In the last 14 hours he had to deal with talks about liquid vomit, Dino maiming himself, Fran getting into bar fights, random guys whining about their crushed nut sacks, and an English speaking Fran. "You know what, mine does too. Let's go back to sleep."

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><p>Me: Another fail! Boo, this sucks. Well that's it, review please!<p> 


	3. A Broken Toy and Monkeys in an Ass

Me: This is now a three-shot and may even become a four-shot (if that's even a thing)! In this chapter Bel breaks Fran's favorite toy and he goes all Xanxus on his tight ass.

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><p>A Broken Toy and Monkeys in an Ass<p>

Bel was kicked out his room and hit the wall with a harsh smack. He groaned but didn't stay in his spot, leaning on the now cracked wall. Instead he threw about a dozen knives at the his attacker that was quickly following him out the room before dashing away. He wasn't running, the prince _never _ran from a fight, he was just getting some distance between himself and his attacker while he formed a plan in his head. In truth, it was _Bel's _fault that he was now being attacked. His tiny attacker was usually calm and collected, he hadn't anticipated him becoming like this after Bel simply broke a toy that belonged to him.

Bel threw open the nearest door, the door to the livingroom, and ran in. Squalo, Lussuria, and Xanxus was already in there, sitting down and watching the boob tube. "VOI! What the fuck are you doing?" Squalo yelled. "Ushishi~! Froggy's _mad_." Bel chimed in his usual tone, though he was sweating a bit. "Mad? I've never seen Fran angry." Mammon said, just walking in with a glass of milk in his hands. "Oh he's mad! He's talking 'Xanxus-sama Slur'." Bel said, using the name they made up for the way Xanxus spoke. The others were about to say something when Fran walked in, exuding an evil black gunk from his aura.

"_**Fake Prince Trash...What the **__**hell**__** did you do?**_" Fran seethed, walking towards Bel who just laughed. "Ushishishi~! I broke your toy, what else?" Bel replied. Fran growled, before whipping his arm out to his side, an illusion of a long, black scythe appearing in his hand. "**VOI!**" Squalo screamed, running over to Fran to restrain him along with Mammon. Together, he and Mammon were able to bring Fran out of 'Xanxus-sama Slur Mode' (XSSM) and back to his regular self. "I'm still mad at you, Fake Prince-senpai." Fran said, glaring so sharply Bel could've sworn he felt himself being cut. "Oh my. What toy did Bel-chan break, Fran-chan?" Lussuria asked, kneeling down to look Fran in the eye. "He broke Fuuta." Fran answered.

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><p>A little ways away from Varia HQ in an Italian hospital a little sandy haired boy sneezed. Rubbing his nose, his eyes narrowed. "Fran, what kind of trash a you saying about me?" he asked with a sigh before hopping off the examining table the doctor set him on. It was a bit difficult seeing as his arm was in a cast. Two hours ago at Varia HQ he was playing with Fran on the roof, throwing projectiles at trees. They were having a fun time until Bel walked up to the roof looking to 'play' with Fran himself but Fran rejected him. Since <em>no one <em>rejects the prince, Bel decided to get back at him, but he didn't want to hurt Fran since he'd want to 'play' with him later so he pushed Fuuta off the roof.

Fuuta fell the whole 4 stories into a large tree that broke his fall a bit. Fran quickly made an illusion of a trampoline so Fuuta could have a soft landing in the end but the damage was done. Fuuta's arm was broken and he was in _pain_. Tsuna was quickly informed of this and they rushed to the hospital. Fuuta walked toward the door that led out the room and opened it, revealing the doctor that fixed his arm and his 'older brother'. "Tsuna-nii, may I use your phone? Mine broke when I fell." Fuuta said, holding up the crushed device. Tsuna nodded, stuttering a 'Whatever you need', and handed him his phone.

Slowly, Fuuta punched in one of the only three numbers he actually bothered to remember with his mind and not with his ranking book, the other two being Tsuna's cell and the Sawada family phone. He then held up the phone to his left ear, he'd have to figure out a way to eat since he was right handed, and waited for Fran to pick up.

"_Hello?_"

"Fran, what are you saying about me?"

"_You're conceded._"

"_**What?**_"

"_You're all thinking that I'm talking about you. The world doesn't revolve around you, Fuuta. Get over yourself._"

"Oh, _please_! I _known _you're talking about me. My Fran sense is tingling."

"_You have 'Fran sense'? That's creepy man, do you have a crush on me or something?_"

"Sh-Shut up. I don't why would I have a crush on the number one rudest person in the business?"

"_Maybe you're a glutton for emotional pain. Are you possibly a masochist?_"

"Quit dodging my first question!"

"_Okay, okay. I was just telling Bel-senpai that he shouldn't have broken my favorite toy._"

"I'm your favorite?"

"_I suppose, but with your broken arm sock monkey may take the lead._"

"Then I should get back quickly, before he steals my place."

"_You should, he becoming more entertaining by the minute._"

With that they both hung up the phone. "Tsuna-nii, I want to go back now." Fuuta said, handing the phone back. "R-Right now? D-Don't you want to rest or-" Tsuna was cut off by Fuuta's smile. "I don't think I'll be able to standbeing away from Fran much longer knowing I'm being replaced." he said. And so they left the hospital.

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><p>Fran hung up and slipped his phone in his back pocket before looking at Bel. "<strong>Finish him!<strong>" Xanxus called. Squalo narrowed his eyes at Xanxus. "**VOI! What the hell? Mortal Combat?**" Squalo asked, utterly shocked. He'd known Xanxus for a long time but he's never seen him even _look _at a game of Mortal Combat. "No, Shark Trash, my brain." Xanxus answered. "Mortal Combat copied _me_."

While they were arguing about Mortal Combat, Bel and Fran were having a battle in the middle of the livingroom with Mammon and Lussuria were watching, Lussuria worried and Mammon amused. They were pretty well matched, Fran got Bel's jaw with his scythe and Bel cut Fran's forehead with his knives, when they heard the front door open. "Fran? We're back, where's that sock monkey that's gunning for my spot as top toy?" Fuuta called, trotting upstairs. "He crawled up Bel-senpai's ass." Fran called back. "He's sends his greetings. 'It's very cold up here.' he says. 'But _very _roomy. I wonder if this bitch is gay.'" Bel growled. "That monkey is a lying bitch! My ass is tight as hell!"

There was silence for a bit before Bel started waving his hands around. "Wait! That came out wrong!" he said. Fran smirked, shaking his head. "No! You said it! Apparently your ass is tight." Fran said, making Fuuta snort. "While you're learning how to take pride in your sexuality, we'll be playing in the garden." Fuuta said, leading Fran out the door while Bel just stood there, looking completely shell shocked.

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><p>Me: I just had to put that perverted part there. Sorry if they're too out of character, I might have to change the genre to Parody so I can do more free writing. Review or flame, just give me feed back.<p> 


	4. We Just Don't Understand Asian Movies

Me: Yep, this is a four-shot now. No, wait, fuck that. This is now a 'story', if you can call it that since it really doesn't have any plot except for family and growing up. In this Varia and Fuuta all curl up to watch a terrible movie. I don't own anything.

We Really Don't Get Asian Movies

Fran was comfortably spread out across Squalo's lap in between Fuuta and Bel. Xanxus was sitting on his throne next to them as they sat on the couch with Levi close by. Mammon sat on the floor, leaning on the couch as they waited for Lussuria to get there. Tonight was movie night at Varia Mansion and Fuuta was invited over to watch some Thai movie he wanted to see. Just as they were getting tired of waiting, Lussuria poked his head into the room, smiling.

"Are you ready to watch the movie dearies?" he asked as he skipped in. "**How fuckin' long are we going to have to wait you faggot ass piece of trash!**" Squalo immediately screamed. Lussuria's smiled didn't falter as he pulled up a chair and sat down. "Now, now, Squ-Squ, remember your blood pressure." Lussuria chimed before picking up the remote to the PS3. "Wait….This shit was on Netflix?" Mammon asked as Lussuria pulled it up. "Yes dear." Lussuria answered, scrolling down to find the movie. "Then why the hell did we have to wait for you!" Bel demanded, getting pissed off. "Because, this is _family _time." Lussuria said before stopping at the movie. It looked cheesy and was in the 'foreign movie' section.

"Oh _hell _no, there is no way I'm watchin' that shit sober and without a bribe." Fran stated, sitting up. Immediately hands outstretched, bearing offerings to the Froggy god. "Ooh, cookies." Fran cheered, snatching the bag of Oreos from Mammon and the glass of milk from Levi. "Okay, let's watch this shit." he said, giving Lussuria the 'okay' to push play. The lights dimmed and the movie started. It opened up to a scene on an airplane. Flight attendants were asking passengers if they wanted coffee. The camera moved to show what seemed to be a mother and daughter seated in front of a man and another, uglier, man dressed in drag. "Eh, Lussuria, what are you doing in there?" Fran asked, causing some chuckling. Lussuria pouted, but otherwise ignored it.

They watched as the mother went to the restroom and the uglier man blocking the entrance to the restroom as his seatmate moved up to sit next to the little girl. He started talking to her about a pipe she gave to her dad before giving her a phone, after the flight attendant moved to a different part of the plane. The scene switched to a woman in a car talking on the phone to someone about a birthday in front of a house. Inside the house the girl's father was being threatened by a guy with a gun. When the father tried to resist the man fought back. The woman that was in the car went into the house and started doing martial arts or something. As she was doing this the father was shot by the man, making his daughter on the plane panic and scream out for her father. Then, for almost no reason at all, some _other _men on the plane started fighting with the flight attendants.

While the fighting was going on, the girl stabbed the man with the pipe, I have no idea why he gave her a weapon in the first place, and ran off. The scene moved to a flight attendant running from some men. She ran into a slightly handsome man and their lips touched. When she moved back the Varia got a good look at her face. Squalo snatched the remote from Lussuria and paused the video. "_**Uuugh! **_**Look at her horse face!**" he screamed pointing at the screen. "**That is one **_**ugly **_**bitch! With her flat nose and sun spots!**" Fran, who was silently laughing at Squalo's comment, joined in. "Ew, it's all up there too, like a fuckin' pig nose." he noted, his own nose wrinkling. "That is _not _beautiful." Fuuta agreed. "Lying ass summary, you said there were hot bitches in here." Bel added, folding his arms. Lussuria sighed and shook his head. "Can we please continue the movie?" Squalo pressed play and they watched as the handsome guy got knocked down.

A little while later, the little girl was shown again. She kicked her mother, who was rounding the corner. "_Ouch, you bitch!_" the mother shouted before realizing it was her daughter. Bel busted out laughing. "'_You bitch!_'" he imitated, before bursting into 'Ushishi's'. After a couple more minutes the movie scene changed to the flight attendants being briefed by a guy with horrible hair. Apparently they were some sort of spies, Chai Lai's Angels to be exact. "Wait, isn't it supposed to be _Charlie's _Angels?" Fuuta asked. "And they never saw their boss." Mammon added. "Just watch the movie!" Lussuria snapped, getting a bit testy. The Chai Lais were going on a mission to protect the little girl from the plane, Miki. "_Hibiscus, with your hillbilly face, you'll be a maid._" the boss said, making all of Varia (except Lussuria who was getting more irritated by the second) and Fuuta howl. "H-He said hillbilly face!" Fuuta said, rolling off the couch but too busy laughing to feel the pain.

While the Chai Lais were on the job some started checking their makeup, even the one dressed as a man. "_Oh, someone with a mustache!_" she said, not realizing it was her. "**It's **_**you dumbass**_**!**" Xanxus shouted at the screen. "_Oh, it's me!_" she said, making Xanxus grumble. The scene skipped to hillbilly face, actually Hibiscus but Varia and Fuuta enjoyed the other name better, walking with another, hotter Chai Lai and Miki. As they were walking down the sidewalk a black van pulled up and some men dragged hillbilly and Miki into the car, leaving hotter Chai Lai to get help. Help came but it was too late to save Miki, they went home for the day.

With Miki, she was kicking some serious ass, or at least the most ass we've seen getting kicked through the whole movie. There was even one point where she jumped in the air and did a spinning kick for like thirty seconds. But then it all changed because the villain came walking down the stairs, clad in a tacky, ugly as fuck yellow suit with flower print. "Ronald McDonald?" Fuuta asked, making Fran choke a bit with laughter. Okay, so somehow Miki got caught by McDonald and she got tied up. McDonald started saying things that Fran didn't really define as important so he decided he needed to rest from this movie. "I gotta pee." he announced, hopping off the couch. "The bathroom's where _I_ would do that." Squalo said, pointing in the direction of the restroom.

"Oh, well I thought that I would just drop my pants and urinate all over the couch, carpet, Fuuta,-"

"**Hey!**"

"Maybe a little on Bel-senpai, and then finally I would shard up a nice, spicy five pound piece of watery shit to just lay on your pillow right next to your head when you go to sleep."

"_**VOI!**_" Squalo shouted, chucking a pillow at the boy, who just moved out the way before going into the restroom.

Line

Thirty minutes later, Fran came back and resumed his old position. He saw the uglier guy from the plane was back and now he had a friend: Katherine, the moronic cock eyed bitch. "What the hell? Is she retarted or something?" Mammon asked before imitating her speech. "Eh ming mong bum mum." Fran laughed himself off the couch this time, joining Fuuta on the floor. Already tired of the movie but still needing his man period fulfilled, Xanxus skipped to the last twenty to thirty minutes of the movie before stopping after seeing something interesting. "What the hell is this?" he asked, pressing play. The hot chick that was with hillbilly when Miki got kidnapped, they knew she was named Rose now, was fighting some bitch with ribbons. Rose whipped her ribbons and something drilled at the other woman's lower regions, in between her stomach and crotch. "…..What the fuck just happened?" Xanxus asked. "Was that some sort of power dildo or something?" All the grownups in the room laughed while Fran looked confused and Fuuta made a cutting motion at his neck.

"What's a dildo?" he asked, making the adults freeze. "Wait just one second." Fuuta said before covering Fran's ears. "_He doesn't know what that is yet?_" Squalo yelled, though for Squalo he was being pretty quiet. "_No and I wouldn't either if I didn't have access to the internet and the ranking star._" Fuuta replied. "_What should we tell him?_" Levi asked. "_Nothing, just pretend this didn't happen._" Xanxus ordered before Fuuta released Fran. "So?" Fran asked. "So what, Fran?" Fuuta asked innocently. "What is it?" Fran asked. "That's what I'm asking you." Fuuta replied. Fran gave up and they watched the rest of the movie.

With the occasional interruption from the viewers, the movie ended with an expected ending. "Man, I do _not _get Asian movies." Fran said. "Why the fuck do they have to be crazy and fucked up all the time?" Fuuta shrugged before replying, "I don't know but all movies in general are crap nowadays." They all sat there after the movie was over and done with before Bel picked up the remote. "Wanna watch a movie from the 'gay/lesbian section'?" he asked. There was silence before they all shrugged. "Sure." Squalo sighed as Bel played a random movie.

Line

Me: Okay that's the end. Sorry if it was hard to understand when I was doing the movie scenes. This is actually based on me and my dad watching 'Chai Lai's Angels: Dangerous Flowers' on Netflix and most of the comments was stuff we actually said but altered. Also, Red, if you're reading this I'll be updating my other stories on Spring Break or any of the other upcoming holidays since school makes me busy. Okay, I'll see y'all later remember to review.


	5. The Rain: It Breaks My Heart

Please check my new account (FruitSnapple) for updates and information. Just so that I don't break the site rules, here's a quick story.

Tsuna walked down the street.

He got chased by a dog.

Some hot bishonen saved him.

They fell in love.

The End.


	6. Chapter 6

Please check my new account (FruitSnapple) for updates and information. Just so that I don't break the site rules, here's a quick story.

Tsuna walked down the street.

He got chased by a dog.

Some hot bishonen saved him.

They fell in love.

The End.


End file.
